I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
