I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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