Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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