Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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