I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
