i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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