He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
how does that bad decision feel?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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