Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
