i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
