Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
