please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
