pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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