I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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