there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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