Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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