THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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