I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
