fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
