I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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