I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
