He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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