Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
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I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
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Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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