and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
