3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
BRING THE BAGELS
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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