the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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