just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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