If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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