I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
