Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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