im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
