well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
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