I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
