I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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