For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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