I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
