You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
