Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
