ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
