Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
