actually, I'm a sock model
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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