I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
