I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
