FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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