You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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