i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
