on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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