What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
