So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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