U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
