so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
