Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
