Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
