I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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