You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I want her autograph on my taint
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
