There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
