zippers are such a cool invention
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
